Chapter 6
My 30th birthday fell on a saturday. While this happens to about 1/7th of
the population, it's a divine sign for a big party. I had one. Roughly 12
hours of cook out and partying at my new house. Only about a week later
she went back into the hospital. Her cancer had been back for a while. The
doctors had offered her a few expirimental chemo options, but she didn't
qualify. This hospital stay was the setting for many difficult days and
conversations. There were discussions about her lack of options, plans for
her daughter, doubts about her life and choices. Her now obviously
imminent death was rarely discussed directly.
I didn't apologize for the things I did wrong.
She was released from the hospital and sent home into hospice care. But,
because she believed we had broken up, she didn't contact me about any of
this.
Continue reading in Chapter 7
the population, it's a divine sign for a big party. I had one. Roughly 12
hours of cook out and partying at my new house. Only about a week later
she went back into the hospital. Her cancer had been back for a while. The
doctors had offered her a few expirimental chemo options, but she didn't
qualify. This hospital stay was the setting for many difficult days and
conversations. There were discussions about her lack of options, plans for
her daughter, doubts about her life and choices. Her now obviously
imminent death was rarely discussed directly.
I didn't apologize for the things I did wrong.
She was released from the hospital and sent home into hospice care. But,
because she believed we had broken up, she didn't contact me about any of
this.
Continue reading in Chapter 7
posted by Sad Survivor at 11:31 PM
2 Comments:
This is a very sad story, not just because this woman whom you loved lost her battle with cancer (and had to suffer three times with the damn disease), but also (and perhaps more so) because it seems, at least from what I can surmise from your writing, that your relationship with her was never entirely stable, and that you were always left hanging at loose ends, and thus, your mourning is not only a mourning of her death but also a mourning of a relationship that was never quite as satisfying as you wished it to be and now never can be. Was it the circumstances? Would things have been different had she never gotten sick? I am sure it is painful to not be able to answer these questions.
Most of the movies and television shows which deal with the death of a loved one are far more cut and dry: the person who dies leaves behind a clear-cut relationship, not one that seems to be fraught with ambivalence. So, is it any wonder that you would be kind of lost now, not knowing how to get over the loss of a loved one who in the end, and maybe throughout, was somewhat rejecting of you?
I feel your pain. I can't exactly explain why. But somehow, I really feel it.
My best to you,
Lauren
Part of the purpose of my sharing of this story is to share that the extra pain of not clarifying things is not worth any perceived protection from not doing so. It will usuallly only be extra baggage. And yet, it may still be the right thing to do.
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