Another holiday season. . .
Another holiday season has passed. As I've mentioned before, they're never easy. I spend time with the Girl and am reminded of Her a lot. There's good times in the holidays and bad.
Since my last post lots of other fun things happened. Everything that had been good in my life has turned into yet another source of pain. I found out that the one I'm interested in has zero interest in me. So now, my job has turned into the source of pain that comes from being around one you want that doesn't want you. And my sister had her baby. While I absolutely adore my nephew, it's impossible to explain the kind of pain that comes from him being "the first grandchild". This hurts on two levels. One, I've always considered the Girl to be my daughter, and so a grandchild. She even calls my nephew "cousin". And two, it reminds me of everything that didn't happen because of Her passing. Most notably, the family we would have had.
The single most defining moment came as I was decorating my tree. I force myself to buy and decorate a tree. I skipped it a few years and realized that hurts more than doing it. So, I was decorating it all alone one night and as I was finishing it I looked and realized I still hadn't gotten myself a tree topper. See, here's the thing about a tree topper, there's one per tree and it's supposed to be the best thing on it. I looked at the tree for a few moments and realized that this was the ultimate metaphor for my life. It's a fairly good life, like the tree is very nice. I'm doing well and enjoying most of what I do in all aspects. But I'm still lacking that one thing that would top my life.
Obviously I'm talking about someone else I would love like I love Her. But, I'm still not sure how that would be possible. This is something I've been struggling with since my last break up. Anyone I might be interested in would, of necessity, be compared with Her. She was a very large chunk of my adult life and it's impossible to separate my past from her, they're totally intertwined. Since I'm relatively young I can't possibly see how I might find someone who is OK with being compared to Her. I mean, if I were twenty years older it might not be tough to find someone who can handle being with a widower (OK, technically I'm not, but for practical purposes I am). Maybe I keep second guessing everyone else, but it doesn't seem like something that's easy to swallow.
Am I right on this or is this the kind of thing that would be easy for the average 30ish woman to handle?
Since my last post lots of other fun things happened. Everything that had been good in my life has turned into yet another source of pain. I found out that the one I'm interested in has zero interest in me. So now, my job has turned into the source of pain that comes from being around one you want that doesn't want you. And my sister had her baby. While I absolutely adore my nephew, it's impossible to explain the kind of pain that comes from him being "the first grandchild". This hurts on two levels. One, I've always considered the Girl to be my daughter, and so a grandchild. She even calls my nephew "cousin". And two, it reminds me of everything that didn't happen because of Her passing. Most notably, the family we would have had.
The single most defining moment came as I was decorating my tree. I force myself to buy and decorate a tree. I skipped it a few years and realized that hurts more than doing it. So, I was decorating it all alone one night and as I was finishing it I looked and realized I still hadn't gotten myself a tree topper. See, here's the thing about a tree topper, there's one per tree and it's supposed to be the best thing on it. I looked at the tree for a few moments and realized that this was the ultimate metaphor for my life. It's a fairly good life, like the tree is very nice. I'm doing well and enjoying most of what I do in all aspects. But I'm still lacking that one thing that would top my life.
Obviously I'm talking about someone else I would love like I love Her. But, I'm still not sure how that would be possible. This is something I've been struggling with since my last break up. Anyone I might be interested in would, of necessity, be compared with Her. She was a very large chunk of my adult life and it's impossible to separate my past from her, they're totally intertwined. Since I'm relatively young I can't possibly see how I might find someone who is OK with being compared to Her. I mean, if I were twenty years older it might not be tough to find someone who can handle being with a widower (OK, technically I'm not, but for practical purposes I am). Maybe I keep second guessing everyone else, but it doesn't seem like something that's easy to swallow.
Am I right on this or is this the kind of thing that would be easy for the average 30ish woman to handle?
posted by Sad Survivor at 5:59 PM
1 Comments:
You would be amazed at what people are willing to over look. I have faults that I thought no one would ever get past, but then one day someone just came into my life. I wasnt even looking when I found her.
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