Life Epiphany. . .

Lately I've been having some problems. There have been some. . .external influences. . .that have been making me very anxious. More than just anxious, really. Since these things have been partially involving a girl, I've been attributing it to feelings over Her and Her death and Her daughter. But the anxiousness and other feelings have been almost overwhelming, which I haven't felt since very early on. So, i was contemplating talking to someone. In the process I stopped to think what I would say and talk about. Naturally, the 5 stages of grief came to mind and I went and looked 'em up again. I realized that I was stuck between anger and bargaining, with just a hint of depression (Never enough to be considered "depression", but strong unhappiness). Nearly 7 years later?

Here comes my epiphany.

I'm not in grief over her death, I'm settled mostly in acceptance there. The actual grief of Her death was actually relatively easy, because I was well prepared and had done much of my grieving with her (it's far easier this way. highly recommended!). The job loss? Sure that had caused problems, but now I'm at a great job. In fact I recently got a raise and slight duty adjustment so it's now back to where I should be. Indeed, things are good there.

So, why am I stuck between anger and bargaining? I never bothered with grief for myself! What? Grief for myself? Yes! As soon as I realized that I paused. If you stop to think about it in light of what I just mentioned you'll get it. Here:

"What do you do?" "I'm a [insert job]"

"My better half..."

See it? We, as people, consider our significant others as parts of ourselves! We define ourselves by our jobs. I had lost both in short order.

Now to figure out how to have a funeral for myself and bury those parts of me that disappeared so that I can move on. Maybe it'll be like an irish funeral. . .