my. . .life. . .

Something recently prompted me to think even more about my life. That is, the future of it. Where I'm going. How I plan to get there. That kind of thing. I'm no longer a really young guy. Not that I'm ancient or anything, but Her daughter is in High School and She wasn't that much older than I. So, that leaves me with my own future. I had a moment of revelation. There's people who often use phrases like "my world is spinning" and similar when they feel their world is out of control. I can't use that because my current world is mostly in control. I feel well grounded in where I am and what I'm doing.

BUT.

When it comes to my future, I can see it. I can see exactly where I want to be. I can see exactly who I'm with and how I'm doing. Well, ok, I can't see specific people, but the ideas are there. I also see myself standing here on a new decent job (a large part of the reason I'm able to start writing this). But, the path between here and there is totally obscured. I stand on solid ground. I see solid ground. But everything between my here and now and that idyllic future is obscured by that spinning world. Almost like standing inside a tornado that's spinning in all directions at once. And this is exactly how it seems it's been since she died. Well, since I "got over it", really.

And, maybe that's the key. For quite a while after Her death I felt like I was actually spinning with the tornado. Now I am grounded and I can see solid ground past it. Perhaps the obscuring spinning will continue to move away from me until I can again see the clear path between me and where I want to be.

But, will that happen in time for me to actually achieve what I want? Certainly I have no more control over that tornado around my life than I would over a real one.