Long time. . .Rough Day.

So. It's been a long time since I've blogged anything. I haven't forgot about this, things have just been going pretty well.

Today is a bit harder than usual. Fairly recently I went to a see a band. A cover band of a very famous band. The famous band was the first show She and I saw together, a few months after we started dating.

The show is a very emotional show to begin with. But I didn't think the memories of the first show would come back so strongly, but I could almost feel Her in my arms during a few of my favorite songs. The smell of her hair as she moved with me. The funny things that were said. All in all, the recent show was very emotionally exhausting.

And of course, today is Mother's Day. . .

Life Epiphany. . .

Lately I've been having some problems. There have been some. . .external influences. . .that have been making me very anxious. More than just anxious, really. Since these things have been partially involving a girl, I've been attributing it to feelings over Her and Her death and Her daughter. But the anxiousness and other feelings have been almost overwhelming, which I haven't felt since very early on. So, i was contemplating talking to someone. In the process I stopped to think what I would say and talk about. Naturally, the 5 stages of grief came to mind and I went and looked 'em up again. I realized that I was stuck between anger and bargaining, with just a hint of depression (Never enough to be considered "depression", but strong unhappiness). Nearly 7 years later?

Here comes my epiphany.

I'm not in grief over her death, I'm settled mostly in acceptance there. The actual grief of Her death was actually relatively easy, because I was well prepared and had done much of my grieving with her (it's far easier this way. highly recommended!). The job loss? Sure that had caused problems, but now I'm at a great job. In fact I recently got a raise and slight duty adjustment so it's now back to where I should be. Indeed, things are good there.

So, why am I stuck between anger and bargaining? I never bothered with grief for myself! What? Grief for myself? Yes! As soon as I realized that I paused. If you stop to think about it in light of what I just mentioned you'll get it. Here:

"What do you do?" "I'm a [insert job]"

"My better half..."

See it? We, as people, consider our significant others as parts of ourselves! We define ourselves by our jobs. I had lost both in short order.

Now to figure out how to have a funeral for myself and bury those parts of me that disappeared so that I can move on. Maybe it'll be like an irish funeral. . .

Another holiday season. . .

Another holiday season has passed. As I've mentioned before, they're never easy. I spend time with the Girl and am reminded of Her a lot. There's good times in the holidays and bad.

Since my last post lots of other fun things happened. Everything that had been good in my life has turned into yet another source of pain. I found out that the one I'm interested in has zero interest in me. So now, my job has turned into the source of pain that comes from being around one you want that doesn't want you. And my sister had her baby. While I absolutely adore my nephew, it's impossible to explain the kind of pain that comes from him being "the first grandchild". This hurts on two levels. One, I've always considered the Girl to be my daughter, and so a grandchild. She even calls my nephew "cousin". And two, it reminds me of everything that didn't happen because of Her passing. Most notably, the family we would have had.

The single most defining moment came as I was decorating my tree. I force myself to buy and decorate a tree. I skipped it a few years and realized that hurts more than doing it. So, I was decorating it all alone one night and as I was finishing it I looked and realized I still hadn't gotten myself a tree topper. See, here's the thing about a tree topper, there's one per tree and it's supposed to be the best thing on it. I looked at the tree for a few moments and realized that this was the ultimate metaphor for my life. It's a fairly good life, like the tree is very nice. I'm doing well and enjoying most of what I do in all aspects. But I'm still lacking that one thing that would top my life.

Obviously I'm talking about someone else I would love like I love Her. But, I'm still not sure how that would be possible. This is something I've been struggling with since my last break up. Anyone I might be interested in would, of necessity, be compared with Her. She was a very large chunk of my adult life and it's impossible to separate my past from her, they're totally intertwined. Since I'm relatively young I can't possibly see how I might find someone who is OK with being compared to Her. I mean, if I were twenty years older it might not be tough to find someone who can handle being with a widower (OK, technically I'm not, but for practical purposes I am). Maybe I keep second guessing everyone else, but it doesn't seem like something that's easy to swallow.

Am I right on this or is this the kind of thing that would be easy for the average 30ish woman to handle?

Been a while. . .

So it's been a while since I've posted. Obviously much has happened.

Another death day has passed. It's been long enough that it was the same weekday. So I relived much of the events that happened in the days leading up to the day. Very much not fun.

The girl's birthday passed. She's now legal to drive. This is a birthday I've been waiting for for ages. I didn't get to teach her to drive. Or change a tire and check the oil, which I swear any child of mine will know how to do. Maybe the next time. If there is one.

But. The most blogable thing that came out of the time since my last post is that I went to go see the orchestra play the Lord of the Rings symphony. Why is this important? Well, I saw the symphony at an amphitheater and sat on the lawn. I had invited the girl along and she was very excited about going but couldn't. As I sat there looking around I noticed very many kids, so many it was more than a little surprising. I started thinking about this. When was the last time that kids actually wanted to see the symphony? When was the last time their eyes would light up at the thought, like the girl's did?

So, the bloggable bit is that for all the people that don't like the Lord of the Rings movies because their not true to the story, any movies that can get kids interested in the symphony and bring back the idea of the epic is good enough for me.

What's in this for everyone else?

I've been wondering what the purpose of this story is. I mean, it's a long depressing story about my life. Why is this something others care about?

It's really not a Chicken Soup for the Soul kind of story for the cancer patients. It's not particularly uplifting or inspirational. Those going through chemo probably won't get way too cheery reading the story.

Those who know the patients won't get much out of the stories either. It does a great job of making them face the reality of what's happening and few people want to see that. And that, I realized, is what the story is about. Life will end. For many, far too soon. Don't let the time simply pass.

I suppose that the short advice I've spent the last however many pages of text trying to convey is this.

Patients & Survivors: Don't be afraid of what you are and have gone through. Live proudly with it and don't let it affect others.

Others: Be there. Remember that for as hard and strange as it is for you, THEY are the ones getting IVs or worse, puking, losing their hair, and actually facing the prospect death. I'll tell you now, if they die and you weren't there, you will feel far far worse.

I told. . .

So. . .last post I mentioned that I hadn't told any coworkers at the "new" job about my past. Well, it finally came time to tell someone. I kind of had to to explain a situation which I otherwise would have had to explain with some statement like "well, it just is".

So, the usual happened. He got all emotional and started repeatedly telling me he's sorry. Ok, I understand and accept his condolences, but really it's going on 6 years now. It's this reaction I try to avoid. People simply don't understand how to respond. This is now a fact of my life. I kind of wish they would react like they do when I tell them my address or phone number, since it's a fact just like those are. I know they can't. I understand it. I go through the same feelings in similar situations. But, I now work hard to make it a single, sincere, wish of condolences and then leave it. It's not easy to do, it never feels adequate, but being on this side I know it's what they need.

I wonder how much longer until I can tell people and not have them freak. How much longer until it doesn't color their view of me. How much longer until they can treat it like a fact of my life.

How much longer until I can really just do that. . .

Another one. . .

I get to work this morning and get to read an email that a relatively young coworker passed away over the weekend. I had no idea she even had cancer. It was quite a shock. Naturally, the obit talks all about her family and children she left behind. I already had a tiring weekend so I wasn't at my best to begin with. Then we had an early meeting talking about the family's wishes. I could only barely keep myself from breaking down during the meeting.

See, I haven't really told anyone at work about my past. A story like mine isn't one that can be easily digested. Even when given in small doses people never quite get it. Oh sure, they'll act like it and give their condolences, but they're never really get it. So, generally I just don't bother.

So now, I have to decide if I want to go to the wake or services. I really don't. I don't think I can handle it without having to tell everyone. . .Maybe I will.